


Me Without You

by Anonymous



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Grethan, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-07-23 06:42:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16153718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Grayson starts having nightmares about being trapped in the freezer.





	1. Chapter 1

Ethan could see that Grayson wasn’t playing it up for the camera, considered calling off the video because like hell was he going to actually fuck him up for real. Content wasn’t _that_ worth it. He dropped his hand down from the freezer door and placed it on Grayson’s head - a question as much as it was a command, _tell me what you want to do and we’ll do it, tell me you’re okay_. Grayson stayed put though, didn’t meet Ethan’s gaze with the look he sometimes got - the one that said he needed Ethan to make everything stop piling up in his head. Instead he stayed bent forward between his knees, so with great apprehension Ethan didn’t linger, just stroked the back of Grayson’s hair and kept going with the challenge. He knew it wasn’t going to be that easy, though he hadn't expected it to get as bad as it did. 

In the daytime things were normal - Grayson was best when the sun was out. He had his routines, had things to keep him busy even if he liked to complain that Ethan never did his share of the chores. He’d never admit that he’d be bored to death without the laundry that piled up or dinner that needed cooking. Ethan stayed close to him the day they had finished the shoot, pestering him around the house with dumb questions or sitting with him even while they just scrolled through their phones. Grayson wasn’t fooled, shrugged him off with an “I’m _fine_ , E. Stop freaking out.” He still was skeptical.

The first night Grayson didn’t show up to his room. Ethan was surprised, almost disappointed because he thought he knew Grayson well enough by now to know how he was going to react to things, and obviously in this situation he was wrong. The next night was the same, and as happy as he was that Grayson was okay, he couldn’t help but feel unneeded. Taking care of Grayson was what he was best at, so if he didn’t have that, what was he going to do?

It wasn’t until the third night that Ethan was woken up, not really understanding what incessant noise was coming through his dreams at first, but jolting awake once he realized it was Grayson, screaming his name from his room down the hall. He pulled the covers off of himself and hurried to open Grayson’s door, found him sitting up in the middle of his bed with his legs splayed out, clutching his chest - all of his blankets on the floor.

“Gray, what the fuck,” he breathed, rubbing one eye as he walked towards the bed. 

“Ethan I can’t breathe, every time I - every time I go to sleep I can’t - breathe.” 

Ethan crawled over the mattress and wrapped his arms around him, bringing Grayson’s head to his shoulder and rubbing his back. Grayson immediately curled in as he kept panting, his chest going a mile a minute, one hand grasping onto Ethan’s shirt. Ethan didn’t say anything for a while, letting Grayson calm down until his breaths were almost back to normal. 

“You’re okay,” He began to whisper, which made Grayson settle further into his embrace. “I’m sorry we did that video. I wouldn’t have let you suffocate. I _won’t_ let you suffocate, Gray.” His tone was insistent, he needed Grayson to know that he would be there for him, that he wouldn’t ever put him in danger. 

He felt Grayson nod beneath his chin. “I know that. It’s my stupid fucking brain that doesn’t know that,” he huffed. 

“Grayson it’s a _phobia_ , it doesn’t make you stupid.” 

“Okay,” Grayson mumbled, a mixture of tired and unconvinced. Ethan sighed, trying to put the right words together that would make Grayson feel better. His hand wrung absentmindedly around the nape of Grayson’s neck.

“Okay, so you know how if I get really stressed I’ll start rubbing my legs or my arms; shit like that?” He waited for Grayson to respond, getting a hum in return. “Well it’s because my skin starts to feel really tingly, and my stupid brain immediately starts to process that crawling feeling as a million tiny holes erupting on my body, and I freak out. It makes me ten times more stressed.” 

Grayson was playing with the hem of Ethan’s shorts as he listened to him, and when he didn’t say anything, Ethan went on. 

“We both have stuff. But you’re supposed to tell me so I can _help_. What benefit is there to having a twin otherwise?" ( _Who would I be if I couldn’t take care of you?_ ) 

“You’re right,” Grayson muffled, finally hugging him back around his waist in a tight squeeze.

“Can we go sleep in my room now? Your room’s a mess and it’s making me nervous.”

Grayson flinched. “But - I think - it’s just that the blankets -”

“There’s such thing as sleeping above the covers, Grayson,” Ethan interrupted mockingly before Grayson was sent into another panic. He ruffled Grayson’s hair. “You’re so dramatic.”

“Shut up,” Grayson pouted, though he didn’t let go of Ethan, if anything his squeeze was tighter than before.

Ethan smiled, because he knew Grayson better than anyone and he was proud of it, because they needed each other and he was proud of that too.


	2. Chapter 2

“Ethan-Ethan-Ethan-” Grayson jumped in his sleep, searching blindly for Ethan on the bed. Ethan rolled over, caught Grayson’s wrist and held it to his chest.

“Gray, I’m here.” He yawned, his eyes still closed. Grayson relaxed slightly, his arm going limp. 

"Okay," Grayson sighed.

Ethan waited to see if Grayson was going to tell him what startled him in his sleep, but only heard him taking deep breaths.

"Why didn't you come here the first night?" Ethan finally whispered, putting a hand between his cheek and his pillow.

In the darkness, he could still see the small shrug Grayson gave him in response.

"I didn't want to be scared anymore, but there I was with all the same symptoms. I mean you read 'em out and they were all still true." Grayson huffed. Ethan remembered, saw Grayson pacing around trying to compose himself after he jumped out. At first he thought Grayson had just needed a little push. Had knelt down to look him in the eye and speak softly, telling Bryant to cut. _Listen to me, hey,_ he'd whispered, watching Grayson run his hands through his hair. _You'll be okay, come on. You can do this, Gray, I know you can._ Grayson had obviously been frustrated. _I want to, I just can't_. Why hadn't Ethan listened? (Because Grayson would have been even more pissed if they'd stopped, wouldn't have talked to Ethan for hours if they ended up not getting the footage they needed. Ethan would go back right now and call it off in a heartbeat.) 

"And then you were babying me all day. I just wanted to show you I was fine. Or maybe that it worked. I don't know."

"I was _babying_ you?" Ethan laughed incredulously.

"You always baby me!" Grayson said, taking his hand back from Ethan abruptly. 

"You're my baby brother Grayson, what other way am I supposed to treat you?" Grayson was silent, obviously pouting. Ethan rolled his eyes.

"I _like_ making sure you're okay. Is that so wrong?" He tried to say it coolly, but at a whisper in his dark room it only sounded like a confession.

Grayson sighed, and took a long time to finally speak.

"And I need you to. I need you a lot and it - it fucking frustrates me sometimes."

"What, like I don't need you?" Ethan scoffed.

"Do you?"

The question was so genuine. He truly didn't know that Ethan needed him.

"Grayson, are you kidding me?" Ethan asked. 

"You're right, whatever -" Grayson started to flip over, putting his back between them.

"No - Grayson, Grayson;" Ethan said, pulling him back towards him. "Do you really not know how much I need you?"

If he thought about it longer he knew it was his fault. He was good at showing emotions, sure, but asking for help? Facing his problems? Not something he did. Ever. So Grayson thinking that Ethan never came to him for stuff like that was valid. But that just wasn't how this worked for him.

"Grayson if anything happened to you...I'd be done. I wouldn't function. If I couldn't do this with you there would be no _point_."

"You could do this without me Ethan; easily."

"No. _No_. If you think that Gray, you're a fucking idiot. I could never, Grayson. How could you say that?" He was grabbing onto Grayson rather tightly, shaking him, even. "You know what I've been doing these past two nights? Thinking about how meaningless my life would be if we stopped talking. If I stopped knowing everything about you and we just became these two brothers who lived separate lives. I can't even - I don't want to think about that. I don't even - what would I even -" His eyes were flitting back and forth. He'd never said this out loud, but now that he was, the fear behind it grew exponentially until it didn't feel like he was controlling his own body.

"Ethan, stop. _Ethan_ , I'm right here, _breathe_ , I'm sorry," Grayson said over and over, gripping his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Ethan groaned, squeezing his eyes shut as he calmed down. "You know I'm not good at the whole... _i don't know_ -" He didn't know why it was easier for Grayson to be more vulnerable, didn't know why he thought he always had to be the rock who was loud about everything but this.

"But I want to be. I'll try harder. I'll tell you more." Ethan promised. He saw Grayson nod. The room was silent then, but comfortable. 

They were still above the covers, so when Grayson started kicking his legs around frustratedly he kneed Ethan right in the thigh.

“Ow! Fuck.” Ethan winced, cupping his leg gingerly. “ _Grayson_.” Way to ruin a moment.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Grayson said, going still immediately. “I’m just cold.”

Ethan could have been a dick and said _well whose fault is that_ or mumbled _maybe if we could actually sleep under the blankets..._

He _was_ a dick to Grayson, _constantly,_ because that’s just how they were - teasing was second nature; tackling was an apology. With that came similarly non-traditional I love you’s. 

(Being there when it really mattered. Shutting the fuck up sometimes. Choosing the smaller slice of pizza. Picking seaweed out of the other’s teeth.)

Instead Ethan only nodded and made to scoot to the edge of the bed. 

“I’ll get you some socks.”

“No,” Grayson shook his head. “Just -”

He pulled Ethan toward him by the shirt and Ethan followed, a hand on his elbow as they curled into a familiar position. 

From a young age Ethan decided that this must have been what they looked like in their mom’s belly, Grayson’s head under his chin, Ethan’s arm wrapped around them both. It was the only way he could explain why they always ended up here, even in sleep, how they both effortlessly fell into each other now, without question.

Ethan could have been a dick and said _and this doesn’t make you claustrophobic?_ but he didn’t have to. And even more so he didn’t want to.

He ran his hand idly up and down Grayson’s bicep. 

“Yeah I don’t think I had any clean ones to begin with.” It made Grayson rumble with tired laughter, took the tension out from between his shoulders.

“I washed them all yesterday, numb nuts; but I know you weren’t _listening_.” His forehead nudged Ethan’s chest.

“Yeah, ‘cause you’re not the boss of me Grayson,” Ethan said defiantly. 

“Well then maybe I’ll _stop_ ”

“No, don’t, please,” Ethan pleaded, his voice lowering back down immediately.

“That’s what I thought.”

When Grayson flinched awake again through the night, it was only for a second because Ethan was already holding on to him. It was still long enough for him to notice that two inside-out socks were now covering his feet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I used to think Ethan was the most stubborn person that I ever met..."

"You know how you two look sometimes, right?" James said, following Ethan with his eyes as he came to sit next to Grayson on the couch. Grayson put his arm behind Ethan's head on the back cushion, which Ethan batted away, only to put his own arm around Grayson's shoulders.

"Yeah dude, that's the point." Ethan frowned, looking to Grayson for support. Grayson nodded his head.

"The brother thing is like, our whole deal."

"You're acting like you ever turn it off though," James deadpanned. His manicured hand waved in the air impatiently.

"What do you mean?" They asked, creepily in sync. Their heads shot towards each other and they nodded, impressed. James rolled his eyes as they fist bumped, fluffing up the front of his hair with his fingers.

"If this was just a gimmick it wouldn't be a 24/7 thing. You two are literally just like this." Ethan stared at him blankly, then shrugged. "Yeah."

He didn't really know what the point of that conversation was.

\--

It ate at him for the rest of the day. He was finishing laps in the pool when he finally spoke up, poking his head out and stacking his arms on the ledge.

"James was being kinda weird today, dude." He panted, wiping water off his brow. Grayson was lying on a lounge chair in big dark sunglasses, testing out some organic tanning oil he found online. He was always so worried about looking pale.

"When is James not weird?" he replied lazily. Ethan huffed, squinting one eye and scratching the back of his head.

"I know but he was like... commenting about us. Is this another step in his ten year plan to get in your pants?"

"Shut up, Ethan," Grayson groaned. He sat up, pulled his sunglasses off so Ethan could feel the full force of his glare.

"It's not a fucking secret that you are his favorite twin," Ethan said, hands up in surrender.

Grayson sighed, put his shades on the side table and ran his hand through his hair. "Okay, _obviously_ in any given situation, I'm not gonna side against you with James to his face." Grayson considered his sentence, squinting. "No, maybe I would, to be funny. And if you were annoying me. So yeah, I obviously didn't _say it_ today, but..." Grayson trailed off, letting Ethan finish the sentence.

Ethan frowned, then his eyes got wide. "You think he's right?"

It was almost a yell, but Ethan justified it with the fact that his default volume was pretty much always a yell.

"Why would you think he's right?"

Grayson looked at him pointedly. "Do _not_ pretend like you haven't been clingy as _fuck_ since we filmed."

Ethan scoffed, albeit with a fleck of guilt. "I don't get clingy."

Grayson laughed. Ethan didn't like the patronizing way he shook his head, how his hair flopped back and forth. "You're right, you have some weird Ethan version of clingy that's actually much worse."

"Whatever." He pulled himself up and out of the pool, dripping a trail towards the house.

"Ethan, don't be a baby about this," Grayson sighed.

"No, you know, I have to get as far away from you as possible, don't wanna come off as too _clingy_."

"Ethan!"

Ethan let Grayson's voice fade away behind him, getting water all over the hard wood floors with the satisfaction that it would piss Grayson off when he saw white rings of chlorine speckled through their living room. Seriously,  _fuck_  Grayson, and if he didn't want Ethan around, he didn't have to be around.

He turned on the shower, holding one hand out until it was as hot as he could stand it before climbing in. His head tipped back and he let the water hit the top of his collarbone, slicking his hair down and closing his eyes. It wasn't hard to ignore all the bullshit he heard from everyone, about who they were as people or what they wanted out of their career. He knew who the fuck he was, and when he didn't, he had Grayson to remind him. Whatever comments they got never got under his skin - he knew they weren't true, he knew those people weren't  _important_.

Ethan huffed, the water spraying off his upper lip when he dipped his head into the stream. Of course Grayson was important to him; that wasn't a secret. Yes, he had a soft spot for Grayson's opinion, and maybe that wasn't fair, but he couldn't help it - Grayson  _knew_ him. His opinion mattered. 

His hair was still wet by the time he heard a knock on his door. He didn't say anything, but the handle clicked anyway, and he felt the floor moving as Grayson came behind his chair. 

"E."

"Kinda busy," he said, leaning into the move, jabbing the switches of his game controller almost obnoxiously to prove his point. 

"You're fucking impossible, you know that?" Grayson stormed in front of him.

"Grayson what the fuck?" He tried to stretch his neck around Grayson's large frame but it was no use, and in the next second his flatscreen went black.

"I'm fucking playing!" Ethan whined, throwing his controller onto the carpet and flipping up his headset. 

"Not until you look at me and stop getting defensive." Grayson's voice was stern, even his finger poking out from his crossed arms to point at the floor decidedly. 

"Oh my goddddd," Ethan said, leaning back and rubbing his eyes. "Okay, fine, I'm looking at you, happy?"

"Yes." Grayson said after thinking about it, putting on a cheesy grin. Ethan couldn't help but smile and roll his eyes. He pulled his headset off lazily and turned to flop face first on his bed, the tension between them already gone. 

"You are so difficult to handle sometimes," Grayson sighed. He sprawled onto Ethan so they were back to back; Ethan heaving out a strained noise at the weight. 

"Way to kick a man while he's down, Grayson," Ethan said with what little breath he had.

 "You're so dramatic," Grayson huffed, rolling to lie next to him. "You act like you don't know how you get when you're butthurt."

Ethan pushed up to his elbows. "Oh yeah? How do I get?"

"Well first off you're more annoying than usual," Grayson said, counting off on his fingers. "You literally won't leave me alone which is probably what James picked up on."

"God," Ethan groaned, face planting back into his pillow. "You act like I'm some terrible person to be around."

"What?" Grayson laughed after a pause, clapping Ethan on the back. "Bro, you know I - Ethan, it's a _joke_." He left his hand there when Ethan didn't answer, scratched between his shoulder blades to get him to sit. "I'm just giving you shit, E, seriously."

He finally slouched himself back up, saw Grayson's small look of relief as he moved to grip his arm. "What's up? What's this really about?"

Ethan stared down at the bed sheets. The thing was he didn't really know what this was about. He knew he was being dramatic, but he had already been feeling insecure after what James said and Grayson validating it was enough to put him over the edge. "I don't know...I just don't like when we're not in sync." 

Grayson nodded. "We're different people, we never agree on everything."

"Yeah but we do about the real stuff! I know what everyone else thinks about the way we act around each other, but they aren't us." Why was it so hard for Grayson to understand him all of a sudden?

"Dude, E," Grayson sighed. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad about being all over me -"

"Oh my god, you know what, no. We can just stop talking about this," Ethan cringed, lying back and rubbing his eyes.

It's not like they ever have before. The way they were around each other, around other  _people_ \- it was unspoken, instinctual. They gravitated together, whether it be curled up during a laughing fit, or pressed close in a whisper. They've been doing that thing - where they jump on top of each other and snuffle into the other's neck - since they were  _kids._ Maybe Grayson didn't feel that gravity anymore. The thought made Ethan want to vibrate out of his body.

Grayson tried to catch his eye, but when he failed, Ethan felt him sag.

"Okay." 

He crept slowly off the bed and left the room, which made Ethan feel like shit. This was the  _perfect_ time to be pushing your brother away, right when he was already half way out the door. He was left on his own for the rest of the afternoon, the opposite of what he wanted, but he was too chicken shit to own up to it. Grayson already thought he was around too much anyway. He would remind himself of that every time he felt the urge to seek him out. 

He had been scrolling through his phone for so long he didn't even realize it was dark out until he heard Grayson brushing his teeth on his side of the house. His stomach growled on cue, but he just curled onto his side and continued thumbing through twitter. He was poking at bruises - watching all the edits of their 'facing our phobias' video that praised him for being the protective older brother. 

When the faucet turned off the house was eerily silent. Ethan stopped what he was doing, lifting his head to listen for Grayson padding to his room, but instead he heard him mumble something to himself, his footsteps getting closer to Ethan's room instead. Ethan scrambled back towards his headboard as Grayson came in determinedly, but Grayson didn't say anything. He pulled down the duvet on the other side of the bed and climbed in, wiggling around to get comfortable. Ethan just watched in disbelief, still on guard. 

"What?" Grayson said innocently, turning away and pulling the covers up to his neck. "I'm not going to ruin  _my_ good night's sleep just because you're being pissy."

"Pissy?" Ethan couldn't help but smile. 

"Yeah," Grayson said, flipping over to look at him. "Because even when you're acting like a complete asshole, or some unloved pariah - and I  _really_ don't know where you got that one from -"

Ethan barked out a laugh, his head tipping back before he tackled Grayson with his whole body. Grayson's stern face broke into a smile, wrestling out of Ethan's grasp until they were settled into each other comfortably. 

"I still fucking need you." Grayson finished in a whisper. Ethan pursed his lips; nodded, and that was that. Grayson flipped back over, and Ethan put his arm around his middle. 

"I'll try to be less pissy," Ethan said, chin over his shoulder.

"Fat fucking chance," Grayson laughed. 

Ethan smiled, pressing his forehead to Grayson's back.

"You know me too well."


End file.
